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  • Writer's pictureby Essence Diaries

Personal Inner Entertainment


I wish to throw some light on how, in the contemporary postmodern age of floating stories and smoke-puff emotions, we are quite continuously, unconsciously weaving videos, stories and thoughts within ourselves, with the sole aim of satisfying our addiction to excitement and disappointment.


Let's unpack that intro.


If one observes what is going on inside the layer just underneath the one that is obviously conscious, one will probably notice an almost continuous stream, like a river of shit flowing through the semi-conscious mind. This is not only memories – although there is a great probability that it's some kind of 'creative' re-arrangement of arbitrary fragments picked from our individual and collective memory pool, but also and mainly an imitation of what easily grabs our attention. Stories, movies, drama, fights, repetitive melodies, tensions, sexual fantasies, imaginations of self-grandeur or the apocalypse, guessing, 'filling up the blanks' of real or imagined stories etc... this and much more is incessantly being produced by our minds, because we need to “feel something”. Sometimes we attempt to free ourselves from this curse by focusing our attention on a crossword puzzle or some impossible scientific concept, or a 'real' movie, or a real story etc. And that is always better, but it is not anywhere close to freedom. It is just a little break. Every “modality of the times” creates its poison and its 'painkiller'. The cure or antidote, however, is to be found elsewhere.


The word that should resonate here is “feel something”.

Addictions are always and inevitably the result of a desensitization. Trauma, mostly that suffered in early childhood (where the psyche is open and inexperienced, and therefore practically defenceless), causes the psyche to instinctively recoil, a bit like a snail recoils in its shell when you touch it. This is actually 'good' because it saves the psyche from total and irreversible breakage. But what we are left with is a psyche that needs to “feel less”, or thinks it does, in order to survive. It got punished for feeling, and it learned the 'lesson'.

This brings about desensitization. The natural and evolutionary need for “impressions” remains untouched. Now, however, these impressions need to be provided with an extra charge, because the hardened 'skin' of the psyche needs a stronger push in order to register the impression (feel something).


The hardened 'skin' of the psyche gives rise to an inescapable sense of separation from everything else. This is the birth of what is called the 'ego'. The ego is an invention that needs continuous validation, not only of its own existence, but mainly of the separateness of its existence. Since it is a more or less sealed accumulation of memory, it needs to be reminded of itself continuously in order to exist, and this must happen within a 'story-line' that unfolds independently of reality (which is a flow and ebb in which everything springs and is sprung into movement by everything else, thus absolutely not separate).


This is the function that the endless stream of shit that rolls down our semi-conscious mind fulfils. It is our ego + pain-body's prime choice of personal entertainment. For some this entertainment might come from playing and re-playing different versions of a disagreement that happened with someone. For another it might be unconsciously working their way back from the expression on the face on the cover of a magazine, weaving 'his' story in their minds. There are also those of us who get their entertainment by repeating mistakes and enjoying the 'kick' of disappointment, guilt, self-loathing. Try it out, you will see that there is a piece of the pie for you as well in there!


Being aware of this stream of shit requires that one becomes proficient in reducing the mind-noise and internal dialogue. What this article is about, in fact, is the layer that lies a bit deeper than our everyday worries or schedules. But you will never be able to observe this semi-conscious stream unless you find a moment to quiet your mind from the basic noise.



Sometimes it is necessary to start finding a silent-space in the mind by creating for yourself silence 'triggers', which means 'artificial' situations that trigger silence. For some it may be sculpturing, for others a hot shower, Yoga, running, swimming in the cold winter sea... You find your own. These will give you a very real experience of a less noisy mind, a state of being which, once you become familiar with, you can bring yourself into through simply intending it. Even a slight reduction of the loudness of the noise can open an opportunity to observe a deeper layer of noise, and thus free some precious, precious energy.



Have fun observing and deleting the files!


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